The First Drink
by Morgaine's Shadow
Summary: The story of how James's death affects Remus Lupin...and who pulls him out of his depression.


I'll always remember the night after James died. Not because he and Lily were dead, although it ripped my heart in two to think that they were gone, but because it was the first time I ever premeditated getting drunk.

I entered the Leaky Cauldron that night with the full intention of getting wasted. I knew it wouldn't be hard to do, because Tom was giving out free drinks to anyone in celebration of You-Know-Who's defeat at the hands of little Harry Potter, the son of my dead best friend.

No one noticed me as I walked through the door and sat down at the bar. Tom, however, turning to me, his latest customer, instantly knew me. The look of happiness on his face turned quickly to one of pity. " 'Ello, Remus," he greeted me softly. "The usual?"

"No," I said. I thought for a moment.

" 'Ow about a Pot 'O Gold, to drown your sorrows?" he suggested. I think he knew I wasn't there to celebrate.

I agreed. The drink he offered me was equal parts, gin, vodka, and firewhiskey. It was very strong. Just the thing.

I took the glass from him. As I contemplated its depths Tom asked," 'Ow're you holding up, Remus?"

"Oh, all right, I suppose. Could be better," I replied. I continued to stare into my glass.

"We'll all miss them, Remus. But they'll never really be gone, will they?" I looked up at Tom. He looked at me knowingly, wisely. "There's still that boy of theirs, Harry. Ah, Remus, things'll get better in time, don't you worry." With that he walked off to help another customer, leaving me alone to drink in solitude.

For the last time I considered the liquid in my glass. _Nowhere to go but up_, I thought, and downed my first drink of the night.

A few hours later I stumbled out of the Leaky Cauldron, absolutely trashed. I don't know how many drinks I had, but I'd consumed more alcohol that night than ever before. Somehow I Apparated to the flat I shared with Sirius Black.

In the circumstances at the time, it was not the smartest thing I could have done, considering most people in the Wizarding world believed that he had murdered Peter Pettigrew. I believed this, too, but in the state I was in I cannot be expected to explain my actions.

Sirius and I lived in a tiny flat in London at the time. When I arrived there, he was gone. (Not surprising, really, as he was a wanted criminal. But I didn't think of that then, nor did I remember that I thought he had betrayed Lily and James.) I had Apparated into the small, cluttered living room where I slept most nights. It was dark, and as soon as I took a step I tripped and fell onto the couch. "Damn!" I yelled. I waved my wand erratically, and miraculously the lights came on without anything exploding. "Sirius!" I called. "Sirius! Where are you?"

I got up off the couch to go find him, but I before I could get anywhere I swayed and fell over. As I lay on the floor I felt cold glass against my face. I sat up and examined the item onto which I had fallen. It was a picture of Lily and James.

Something stirred in the depths of my foggy mind…Lily and James…Sirius! He was their Secret-Keeper—he betrayed them! "Sirius, you bastard!" I screamed. "I'll kill you, Sirius!" Then I started crying. My exhausted body shook with my heaving sobs as I wept. Everything I had felt, all my losses, all my pain crashed over me. To dull the agony I went to the cupboard, still crying, and got out a bottle of firewhiskey. I had consumed half the bottle when I passed out. The next afternoon I woke up with the worst hangover I had ever had. It would not be the last.

I continued to drink heavily, especially following Sirius's arrest two weeks later. I was inebriated almost constantly for twelve years. Then Dumbledore hired me, pulling me out of virtual reclusion, on the condition that I stopped drinking. I was able to follow his instruction most of the time, but as the mystery around Sirius Black increased, so did my visits to the Hog's Head pub and the Three Broomsticks. As the suspense came to a head on the night Sirius and Harry met, I thought for a moment that my problem might be solved, that I might at last have one of my best friends back. That hope was dashed the minute that I transformed that night and Pettigrew escaped. I resigned from my post at Hogwarts and again started drinking.

When Lord Voldemort returned and Dumbledore gave me my duties, he once again told me to stop drinking. This time I wasn't sure if I would be able to obey him.

Then I met Dora, or Tonks as she was introduced to me. At the time the Order was reforming she was fresh out of Auror training and full of vigor and determination. A determination that was directed at me the minute she found out about my drinking.

We met by accident, at an Order party I wasn't attending. I was just sitting at the bar of the Three Broomsticks, attempting to drink myself into oblivion when the already raucous group came through the door ready to celebrate Tonks's recent induction. Someone spotted me and I was somehow swept up in the festivities.

She became my friend and made it her personal mission to get me sober. She moved into Grimmauld Place with me and Sirius to kept me company. I began to depend on her, especially after Sirius's death. She seemed to be the only true friend I had. Even when I went to live with the other werewolves on Dumbledore's orders, I would get away as often as I could to see her, and I could see she looked forward to my visits. I wouldn't let myself believe that she thought of me as more than a friend, but I couldn't deny that I loved her.

In my quest to force myself into thinking that Tonks didn't care for me, I often wondered if she was only my friend to "fix" me, because I was someone who needed help. Though with time I found that to be untrue, I couldn't deny that we came together because I took that first drink.


End file.
